


are you proud?

by lovely_weiying



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 06:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23389900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovely_weiying/pseuds/lovely_weiying
Summary: "To be honest...My parents are still not happy. I keep trying, so hard to please them but nomatter what I do, they are never satisfied. I wish I was still young and free fromthe pressures of the words, for when you put to much pressure on one thing, itsoon breaks."
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 25





	are you proud?

**Author's Note:**

> this is off my friedns wattpad, pls go check her wattpad out @-sadboi-lix-
> 
> to start off, italicized words are memories cuz i was confused the first time reading this lol  
> pls read the tags triggering content ahead

"To be honest... My parents are still not happy. I keep trying, so hard to please them but no matter what I do, they are never satisfied. I wish I was still young and free from the pressures of the words, for when you put to much pressure on one thing, it soon breaks..."

They don't believe my dreams will take me anywhere but unemployment. They just want to see me succeed. But all I want is to be happy, even that seems out of reach now. I think back to the days when I ran around my family's backyard smiling and having the time of my life. Why did those times leave so fast?

Now I feel like a stranger in my own skin that is bruised, scared, and showing my bones. My dreams are out of reach. My body has failed at everything even living. It's just a corps of working organs and a dead mind. 

_"Hyung, "I said happily running up to Changbin who was waiting for me. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. His strong arms wrapped around my waist and held me tight as he walked._

"Chanbinnie, "I called out into the empty room. Boxes pilled high, nothing left but my desk, my office chair, my made bed, and all the other furniture. All my personal belongings are packed away in boxes.

_"Felix, how has your week been, "Changbin asked as we walked down the sidewalk._

_"The same," I said and skipped as our interlocked hands swung back and forth._

_We walked into a tall building and got into the elevator and went to Changbin's apartment. He's a producer and on his day offs we mess around and make songs for fun._

"...I wish my dreams meant something to you guys, for your constant remarks created more marks on my body, littered with self-hate..."

_"You can be king again, "we sang out as we sat in the car._

"...My glass has always been half-empty, but having my dreams shunned by the people I care about the most hurts. What I wanted, was that not enough. Were you proud of doing this? Are you proud of me?.."

_"Felix, I've leaving to work abroad for a few months, I'll make sure to call you all the time," Changbin said as we cuddled on his bed. Tears rushed out and raced down my face into his white shirt._

_"I'm going to miss you so much Hyung," I said and bunched his shirt in my fists as I cried._

"Where's Changbin hyung, "I asked the walls as they listened closely to me. They were the only ones that ever truely listen along with the moon who had been friends with me for years. 

"...Why am I always so sad? Why does my sadness make no sense? Why can't I be happy? That's what I want the most, but shall never achieve true happiness..."

_Changbin hyung got onto the plane and I wouldn't be able to see him for months now. Days past and those days turned to months._

_I feel paralyzed without him. My body is aching for the feeling of being loved and it can't find it. I've looked in every nook and cranny but nowhere can I find love._

_My phone rang I picked it up immediately after I saw Changbin's name."Hyung, "I said happily._

_"Felix, I won't be able to come back for a few more months, this project is taking a lot longer than we originally thought," he said._

_"What, "I said as my voice cracked._

_"I'm going to be gone for at least 2 more months," he said. My phone fell out of my hand as I sobbed._

_"I miss you hyung," I said as I grabbed my phone again._

_"I miss you too lixxie," he said, "I have to leave, make sure you eat and stay healthy, love you lixxie."_

_"Love you hyung," I said sobbing as the call ended._

"...Hyung didn't come back still it's been almost a year, his calls are becoming less and less and as the calls end, I slowly end too..."

I left my room and left my apartment building and walked out into the busy streets of Seoul. People crowded everywhere. I walked and walked until I came to an intersection I looked to my right and saw a crowd of people coming from the other side of the road and thought I saw hyungs face.

It flickered in different spots and I walked on and throughout my walk hyung appeared randomly. Oh how I miss him, why did he have to leave me?

I returned home and sat in an empty apartment. Nothing but boxes filled the room. I sold the chair and couch to someone and everything else is packed away. 

_"Felix, how is school going?" he asked as we Skyped._

_"It's going, "I said with a laugh._

_"Have you been eating properly," he asked._

_"Yep, "I said lying. I haven't eaten a proper meal in almost a month and haven't even touched food in 4 days._

_"That's good," he said. He sounded tired._

_"Hyung, if you're tired we can talk some other time," I said, but really I wanted him to stay on and talk to me more._

_"Yeah, yeah, I think I should get to bed, talk to you later lixxie," he said and ended the call. I truly wish he had stayed and talked with me._

_I left my room and tumbled into my bathroom and sat on the cold linoleum. I opened a drawer and rummaged around it until my hand came to a sharp metal blade._

"...I've cut, I've starved myself, what's the big deal? I'm not dead yet..."

yet. yet. yet. yet. yet. YET. YET. YET. YET. YET...

That word. Yet. What does it mean? Something hasn't happened as of the current time. But it has happened. That word is now useless. It's already happened now. 

_The blade cut deep into my pale skin. Blood oozed out and ran down my arm and onto the ground._

_"Hyung, "I said happily looking at the bathroom door. No one was there. Why did I think hyung would be there._

_I ran the blade over my thighs and wrists and felt relief. It didn't last for as long as normal. I stood up and cleaned the cuts, but didn't cover them with bandages and walked to the kitchen. I got a cup. I filled it with water and grabbed my sleeping pills. I walked back to my room as the cuts dripped._

_I sat on the edge of my bed that was covered with white sheets and a white blanket. I took my pills and water and took the whole bottle and finished half the cup. I set the cup on my bedside table and placed the empty pill bottle next to it._

"...But you know what? Will it matter when I die? No. Death is inevitable, everyone is going to die one day. When my lungs stop taking in air, when my heart stops pumping, when my brain stops functioning, I'll be free..."

_I laid in my bed flat on my back and stared at the ceiling. I closed my eyes as doziness filled me. Everything stopped my lungs, my heart, my brain. They all stopped as I fell asleep._

"...But one more question before I go. Were you proud? No, Are you proud? Are you proud of your son? Are you proud of your friend? Are you proud of your boyfriend? Did I make you proud, mom, dad... hyung?.."

A knock could be heard on Felix's door. The door not being shut properly slowly opened with a long creeeeee noise. Chan, Jisung, and Woojin entered the boy's house. Woojin was the first to notice the blood as the others were fixated on the boxes piled high in the house.

He walked down the hall following the blood and found the bathroom a red mess, he didn't notice the tool used that was shinning proudly through the blood. He pushed Felix's bedroom door open and saw the boy sleeping. 

He walked over to Felix's side and noticed the water and empty pill bottle. He grabbed the bed covers and pulled them away and was met with Felix laying in a pool of blood. He stumbled back and was caught by Chan who was crying. 

Jisung was on the phone with the 112 operators. An ambulance was being set out along with the police. Not even 10 minutes later as the three friends cried did medics and police officers enter the apartment. 

Felix was pronounced dead upon the medics' arrival. The police stayed and looked at the scene and Felix's parents were contacted and the three were being questioned. 

They all sobbed through their story and they were all let go and allowed to leave. Their friend was dead. Changbin was waiting outside for them, he was finally back and ready to surprise his baby.

He saw the police and ambulance. He saw the stretcher with the black bag being placed in the back of the ambulance before it left and he saw the three leave the building with tears streaming.

"He's dead," Jisung said through tears, "Felix is dead."

"...That last call I had with you hyung, I lied, I'm not fine and haven't been for a while. I didn't want you to worry, but now I'm gone, so this is my final goodbye, and please know that I did truly mean it every time I said that I love you."

"H-he's what, "Changbin asked shocked.

"He's dead hyung, he's not coming back, "Jisung said.

Changbin, well he broke. He shattered. He felt his emotions explode. He thought Felix was okay without him. Felix told him that he was fine.

Was Changbin fine? No, his boyfriend is dead. He broke down. Chan moved to hug him and let the younger cry in his arms. They got into the car and went to Changbin's apartment and they all were crying. 

Felix, the sunshine, the literal fucking sun was dead. They were all stuck in the darkness of night not able to find the moon to light their way back to the light of day. Felix walked in the sun. They couldn't see him. He was being hugged by his life long friend, the moon, for the first time ever. 

He let go and followed his new moon, Moon Taeil, to Heaven. Taeil's hand reached out for the youngers as he smiled at him. On the other end of the moon stood another hand outstretched but he had an evil smile, the sun, Lee Donghyuk tried to get the boy to join him, but the moon stole his heart and pulled him into the comforting arms of perfectness. 

Chan, Jisung, and Changbin wanted Felix back. They missed him. They couldn't stand the darkness without the moon. 

After Felix was graced as an angel he could freely go back and forth between heaven and earth. He flew down and watched them. He moved over to Changbin and let his only barely move across Changbin's face.

Changbin felt it, just barely, it was like being kissed by the wind. His tears stopped rolling down his face as Felix whipped his checks with his small hands and before he left he kissed all three of them on the forehead before leaving. 

He paid his parents a visit. They cried in the living room of his childhood house. His two sisters were there. They had a paper and tears stained the paper smugging the words.

"We were so proud of you baby,"his mom cried as she hugged the paper. Thank goodness he had left one at Changbin's house. 

He slowly visited all his old friends as they got the news and watched them cry. He went back to Changbin's house and saw him reading the note. 

"I love you too Felix," Changbin said crying as he sat on his bed. Felix kneeled down in front of the older and kissed him one last time before flying back up.

He greeted old and new friends and smiled. He was truly happy where he was. He was in the moon who had been his friend for ages. 


End file.
